22 days til i leave this island, 29 days til i fly to france. to FRANCE. i'm going to france. what?

i'll be in france for nearly 300 days... well, i'll be in europe for that long... and it'll all pass by in the blink of an eye. but for now, it's monstrous. HUGE. i'm losing my noodle. losing noodle.

of course, the losing of the brain might be due to the 52 hours that i worked from friday til yesterday, and the 3 that i worked this morning. or perhaps it's partially due to the lack of sleep that results from working 12-13 hours out of 24.

i know. i hear the wha-ambulance pulling up around the corner... but my body's telling me that it needs rest. so i have two days off, one of which i intend to spend with the one and only michelle ralph, as she flies into and out of my life so quickly and randomly... the other, may consist of more errands (they never end) and chores. eeeeeep. so little time.

but don't worry all, i'll see your faces at some point in the next year and a half for sure. afterall, i'll be heading back to MUN in a year and a bit with the rest of yas.

loves yer faces. don't forget it.

holla atcha boi.

yis.

so anyway. life's still sunshine-y. boys still happen to be pretty insignificant in the world on ern murp (which btw, i'm kinda getting used to...). also, i went for a walk last night and spam worms attacked me. it was terrifying.

AND one of the girls who i work with (one of the 2 who have more experience than me) just got offered a new job. she starts on monday. she has been working non-stop in the restaurant... so i suspect that i'll be working non-stop pretty soon. i had my first "big group" experience today. 73 people in for soup and sandwiches. two seperate kind of groups. and the elderly group couldn't seem to remember what they ordered.

whoa. i was about to tell a really long story about soup and sandwiches... don't do that erin. don't be that waitress.

in other news. me and em went and saw "a prairie home companion" earlier this week. and it was hilarious. slightly bizarre, but worth a watch.

i'll leave you with my favorite* joke from the movie: two penguins were standing on an ice flow. 1st penguin says to the other "you look like you're wearing a tuxedo." 2nd penguin replies "how do you know i'm not?"




*favorite doesn't mean funniest. although i did laugh pretty hard and long at it.

school's out forever? no... today, only for retired teachers and high school kids who won't go on to further their education.

as for me, school's not really pertinent. except that the restaurant where i work now (started "training" yesterday and made $40 in tips ~cha-ching~) will hopefully get busier... and by hopefully i mean, i'd like to have another shift or two to get my bearings before the place fills to capacity. seems like a good crowd that i'm working with. i'm excited about the summer. working will be a good change. and if i does right good, i'll have a job guaranteed for next summer. whoot!

and about the rest of life? well, leading up to my first day of work was an amazing stretch of fun-fulled days and nights. including: jumping in puddles the size of ponds in my rubber boots, a trip to the beach - northern bay sands, salmonier nature park (we saw the meadow vole!), bbqed 'otdogs, board games, shopping, the hike around signal hill, long walks around downtown, and of course, laying out on my deck in the glorious sunshine.

life's alright ya know. pretty fantastic all in all. i like it. i like it a lot. (and as papa john would say "those who like it, like it a lot. -i think he was quoting a commercial... sounds about right. "even the grapes?")

so, big event tomorrow night at o'brien's. so i get to dress all in black. hurrah!

it's june! holy 'mokes. 3 months of summer, 3 months of Canada left.

i know that if i blink i'm going to be looking out my apartment window in Nice thinking that it's only 3 months before i come back again... so i'm gonna try hard not to blink for the next year or so, so as to gain ample enjoyment from the moments as they pass.

for the record, i haven't started work yet, and i don't know when i will.

brother has been gone for a week and a half, which means he comes back in half a week for a few weeks before he goes again for more than a few weeks. (sidenote: on Lingo the other day a couple tried to use "W-H-E-E-K" as a word. i'm not sure whether that was before or after the other couple spelled "W-H-E-E-P". but in either case my mom and i nearly peed in our pants.)

so now i'm going to put on my pjs and climb the stairs to my loft.

i am happy.

"Bonjour,

J'ai le plaisir de vous annoncer que vous êtes acceptée pour le programme de Nice."*

I opened the email up this afternoon. And while I knew they'd be foolish to tell me I couldn't go, I was holding back a little bit. I usually found myself adding the "if" to my sentences when excitedly telling friends and family (and complete strangers) that I'm going to be in France next year. But now, I will. Of course there's the whole finding a ticket that doesn't cost more than my tuition will... but I'm going to be there. In Nice. This time next year, studying for exams... speaking french with a funny accent provided by those langue d'oc speakers. Maybe I'll sound like Neil Bishop. Wouldn't that be fun. And terrible.

So, I'm 21 (a real bonafide adult), I own a car and half a yellow house, I've got a summer job (that pays in money instead of fun), and now my lifelong dream of France lies just on the horizon. I'm happy.

I called Mom to let her know, we had a short conversation (because it was before 6), and then later when she messaged me I asked her if she was sad. And while I know that she is in a way, she said "No, you're living your dream."

I distinctly recall a conversation a few years back (she may or may not have been pms-ing) when she told me that I had no dreams. And I'm not sure I did... not in the way that dreams really exist.

Anyway. I'm narcoleptic. And tomorrow I need to make a long comprehensive list of things. Yes, things.

à plus tard!




*Because of the close relation of the key words to English, I refuse to translate at all.

life is like a rollercoaster you know. it really is. and i like rollercoasters. but i wouldn't imagine that they're that fun when you're stomach sick, or have a really bad headache.

that's kinda how i feel about life being a rollercoaster right now. i feel like my stomach isn't strong enough to take it right now... or that my head might explode.

i'm feeling critical, and moody beyond moody. i don't even know where to begin to explain my moods. there are good things in my life right now. (ex. i have an interview with o'brien's on friday). but there are also things that make me go MARH (ex. boys who don't really care at all AND don't even pretend to.)

if i could send a telegram to him i would say: dear boy (stop) if you were to pretend that you cared i might want to see you (stop) as it is i would rather not (stop) ever again (stop) if you feel the need to see me again please bring flowers and stand outside my window with a 50 piece marching band (stop) otherwise this is it (stop) thanks for nothin' (stop)

i guess it wouldn't be very sound of music-like, but the end result would be the same... singing about my favorite things with my 5 brothers and sisters.

i really thought it would be a lot easier than this... living in the moment that is.

don't look ahead too far, and live life day by day. i guess the problem comes in when you take that quick glance towards the future. you see an impending end... would you rather know that the end is just around the corner? or be caught by surprise? (i'm not talking about death... that's too morbid for a wednesday morning).

you finally find someone that makes you happy, and while you know that it won't last forever... not even for more than a few months, how do you stop yourself from getting in deeper than you intended?

just for fun. just for the moment. taking it day by day... or date by date. no expectations and very few wishes. because it will be easier to let go when it does happen to end.

and then you realise how quickly a moment passes.

how do you live in a moment when before you realise it's happening, it's gone?

it was a really good week. our house came together like never before. and we are all the better for it. i'm so proud of how much work we put in, and all we got out of it.

it just pains me to think about the hatin' that went on. i'm not a hater (as much as michelle ralph might argue that i WAS the hater near central park), and i don't enjoy hate. whether it's towards me, or my friends, or people i know, or people i don't even want to know. there's no need for it. at all. (maybe that's a little bit of my dad coming through)... either way. as much as the week was good, it was painful. and in everything i do, i only speak for myself. and in anything i say that might be misconstrued, i say it in order to get a reaction. not a negative one. but just a few seconds of thought from the receiving end. of course, the world is not a perfect place, and i was caught in conversations that i would have preferred not to have had to even be a part of, but then i thought it was over. i mean, we were on the "losing end" of things right?

so i thought it was over. but as i walked back from putting my tray back i hear an "in your face". and really. what's in my face? the fact that barnes house won winter carnival again? boy, i didn't lose anything. except the last 15 minutes of peace... interrupted.

but now that i've raged, i'm good to go. all that nonsense is over in my mind. if only my mind was clear of nonsense.
but alas. it is my mind and inherently and eternally full of nonsense.

so enough with barnes house hating loder, martin, & burke house. eff off. get over it. grow some sense. all we are saying is give peace a chance. ;)

i'm sitting in my brother's living room. yes, it's my living room too, but he's the one who lives here for now. and boy does he live here. quelle sorte de SLOB!

i'm been surfing the interweb. looking at people's blogs etc., cause really, what else is there to do on friday evening?

my answer will have to be: nothing. because i need to relax, recupe, rejuve, unwind... somehow the first two weeks back went downhill 3 days ago. thinking back, i was having a deadly time. smiling and dancing practically every step of the way. of course it was all pretty much a dream. one of those dreams that you think is going to end so well, and then the plot twists and you wake up crying.

i am a very self-destructive person. especially when it comes to drinking* & boys. generally, i can handle drinking sans boys. now, boys alone... i will not claim to have any control in this area. because quite frankly, i don't. my master plan A at the moment is to get a transfer to blackall and lock myself in my room except to eat, do bathroom type activities, and go to class. now, i already forsee a few problems with this plan. 1. i don't like girls. 2. i won't become any better with interacting with boys if i'm never around them. 3. i don't like blackall.

so there must be a plan B somewhere. yes. a less drastic plan in which i suck it up, and realise that it could be worse... i could actually live in blackall. B-B-B-L-A A-A-A-C-K A-A-A-L-L AAAAAY BLACKALL!

barf. and now. to commence relaxation.

-----
*drinking free booze - meaning booze that i do not pay for.

i've been studying for linguistics... and listening to super gold 60s on icebergradio.com makes me really happy, and i find myself singing along. which is fine cause it's not something that interupts my work... plus i'm smiling because the music is condusive to such facial expressions.

i reccommend it.

and that's all for now. studies await.

so. everyone thinks i'm losing my mind.

random things come out of my mouth (and/or my fingers) all the time. and my friends are starting to express concern... i try to blame it on the narcolepsy, but it doesn't always fly. especially with strangers... they aren't so keen to buy the narcolepsy thing, nevermind the narcolepsy-induced craziness!

but i don't think i'm really crazy. of course, that doesn't say much at all. the first step is denial right?

in other news... i'm really upset at stephen harper. i'm pretty sure i'm gonna have to tell him that we can't be friends... i'm not sure that he's going to care, on account of my craziness and full-out support of everything he's against... but whatever. maybe it'll play to his inner kindergardener. when he has no one to play in the puzzle centre with anymore - WATCH OUT!

alright. must go pay attention in my second-last french classes of this semester. or at least untangle my dreads and interject random comments about whatever the teacher's discussing.

à plus!

i dreamnt about an old lady who was drinking out of a yellow fire hydrant. she had a couple of glasses of milk that she wanted me to hold while she took the cover off the hydrant, had her drink of water and replaced the cover again. she thanked me and went on her way, with her two glasses of milk.

i woke up at 6:30 this morning, feeling like i should be getting out of bed. which makes sense because i had been sleeping since 9ish.

craig told me a funny story about how i wanted him to take my glasses and put then in random places, and then get them for me again. the retrieving part makes sense because i wouldn't have been able to find them in a sober state, let alone the state i found myself in last night.

if i'm not mistaken i still have make-up on my eyes, and that's why they're burning so badly right now. so perhaps a shower is in order...

oh. and if you were wondering... RENT was AMAZING. i'll be going to see it again soon enough.

when everything takes a little more effort.
when my mind wanders to places that make me start to choke in a rushed effort not to cry because i'm sitting in the middle of a presentation in class.
when i start to remember again how things have changed forever.
when i see changes in myself that aren't really seen by anyone else because those who would have noticed are changing in the same ways.
when falling to sleep is a little harder and my dreams are more vivid and completely bizarre.
when i wake up in the middle of the night and pray that i've been trapped in an extensive dream for the last 2 and a half years.
when i expect people not to possibly even begin to understand the state of mind i find myself in, so i don't talk about it.
but also a time when i find myself telling stories that make people a little uncomfortable.

time does help. but it never goes away. and this time of year, memories become fresh, the will to have just one more day, one hour, one minute controls all other rational thoughts.

and no one can make any of that go away.

when one is drunk, and in a big crowd, every second of every minute is utilised. mostly used to say random things to random people. and then you spend hours (the next time you find yourself sober) trying to figure out if you really said all of those things. cause really, what would have possessed you to say half of that?

one answer comes to mind: alcohol.

some argue that alcohol is a truth serum. but i'm not really sure that's true. it definitely draws out some of your deepest thoughts, but i would like to point out the ridiculous number of your thoughts that carry no aspect of truth at all. often the things that rattle around in your cerebral area don't even pertain to your personal opinions. you give them no value, except that they're in existance... and that's about it.

if a person drinks and gets drunk at all, in their lifetime, they must understand that people cannot possibly apologise for every thing that comes out of their mouths.

perhaps i'll just throw out a big "sorry i drink and get drunk" out there into the universe... and an "i forgive everyone else who does too".

and now i'm going to maximize some of my time and write the rest of my history paper.

my brother, and two other pearsonites and i were walking down (or maybe up) duckworth, and we turned the corner and an old man was sitting there.

"i likes your hair."
"thanks."
"how do you wash it?"
"like a sponge, soap in, soap out."
"how often?"
"once a week."
"like ya should."
"mmm hmm."
"have a good night."
"you too."

i figure once my dreadies are gone i will be able to continue to live vicariously through my brother's conversations with random strangers. i figure by now i've had my share of middle-aged women looking at me with envy, and old women scowling at me... and hair won't be such a bad thing. it might even make me look older than 13. wouldn't THAT be nice.

reilly and i corresponded, and i've gotten over my immediate spite towards barnes house. however, it seems to be a recurring emotion, so don't hold your breath.

i have a history paper to write before i go to bc. eek. i'm going to bc in a week. i'll be flying over eastern canada in exactly a week. holy eff. can't even being to explain how excited i am about being on vancouver island again.

nor can i explain how frustrated resnet makes me. disconnected 4 times since i started writing this post. bleh!

not gonna get into specifics of why i feel so strongly about this sentiment right now. but alls i got to say is barnes house=stupid and ugly.

mixer crawl on friday was DEADLY. me and the girls (lesbee, twins & mack) did the santa DRUNK fairy thing and we had a blast. and we won. but that's neither here nor there.

so because of how awesome friday was i decided not to bother with saturday at all. cause i knew i couldn't beat it and i spent a stupid amount of money on friday...

got some french to catch up on. i shall catch up with livejournaling at a later date.

out.

and neglecting the french-work that i got up to do this morning.

it's monday again... and the week is stretching out ahead of me. and somehow i know that there aren't enough hours to get everything done that i should. c'est ennervant. or some random french word that half of you won't understand anyway.

i've been practicing zoo-y activities lately and quite frankly i'm disturbing myself. i think perhaps i'll become a hermit and stop drinking all together. (i punched a guy in the face saturday night).

ANYWAY. life is dandy, and i have a french essay to write later this afternoon in my prof's office. i think i might puke. good plan? YES.

living life...

Date:	2005-10-12 13:28
Subject:	today i hate school
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky

the long weekend ruined me.

i don't want to walk to class, i don't want to sit in class, i don't want to listen once in class, and i'll be damned if i want to do any thinking about what my profs say to me in class.

and i don't really want to be here in my room. uh oh. i've got a bad case of the "don't wanna"s. perhaps i've taken a trip back to my early childhood... speaking of which. matthew said that i was one of those kids whose parents hoped would turn out better than they started, i think he actually used the word "ugly". harumph. i shall show him pictures of the beautiful child that i was later on. and then gloat. because i was.

i mean, i'm not saying i was a beautiful pre-teen... cause really, who was?

um. yeah. so life hey?

i'm going to bc in november... and i'm mega pumped about it. can't wait, one might say. and time for class. bah humbug.

i gotta say. really sorry about the last entry. mega-angsty... i'd like to say it isn't really much like me, but well, who really knows whether that's true or not?

change happens, i figure at least once a day. there are moments when you change something about you ever so slightly, even if it's just an added saying to your vocabulary, or the little things that you learn in class... perhaps even a smile from a stranger, or a message from someone you haven't talked to in a long time. it changes you a little bit.

i did laundry at the yellow house last night and the night before. so i hung out with brother bear. it was excellent times. sunday night we "played" guitar together.. and last night we watched boondock saints. it's so awesome to have him around. you sometimes don't realise what you have until it comes back around the second time.

tuesdays are lazy days... feel like i should be doing something productive but french grammar doesn't seem so appealing at the moment.

boat trip on friday. maybe i'll meet some o'briens!

à plus tard.

Date:	2005-09-25 11:56
Subject:	husbands, husbands everywhere...
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy

and not a boyfriend in sight.

but you won't find me complaining more than a couple times a week. cause you see, the potentials that i seem to find, are less than up to par. (truth be told). i mean. i guess they are. i just seem to pick the ones who aren't looking for anything remotely serious, or the ones who think that i'm fantastic... granted there's only been one of those lately. and he freaked the poo out of me.

then there's all my future husbands. great guys who at some point in my life i could see being a great fixture in my life. but i know myself. and i know that right now there are certain kinds of people who don't quite fit the mold... and that's unfortunate for me. but well, i don't know. i guess i need to just throw haste into the wind and... nevermind i can't possibly think of where that could go.

so. i'm thinking about just declaring myself an old maid right now. i mean, it's just as well. in the meantime i'm gonna have myself some fun, and keep my eyes open. like ya would.

schmeh.